in which I try to explain my absence

let me count the ways...

...multiple 22 mile roundtrip drives each day.
...multiple 14 mile roundtrip drives each day. 
...an active 8 yr old begging for playdates and attention 
...the usual laundry, dishes and feeding hungry children.
...Attempting to prepare for the journey of teaching my 11 yr old/6th grade twin gymnastics crazy girls at home via an on-line school. 
...car repairs x2. 
...a broken dishwasher. 
...the Olympics.  ahem. 
...not having learned the lesson of saying "no" more often ~ I am seriously in over my head. 


Days gone by too fast...too busy.

Even more than missing writing the occasional blog, I have missed the chance to sit on a friend's back deck with coffee. She has a beautiful back yard sanctuary.  I have missed the chance to read more than one book.  (Does the one on CD I listened to each day in my van count as reading?)  I have missed garage-saleing.  We have missed opportunities to spend time with friends.  We kinda sorta owe at least three friends dinner out.  We have made it to the pool, but missed out on campfires.   And there have been too few naps in the shade.  My flowers are all dying because I forget to water.  Our 1st attempt garden produced exactly 4 tomatoes and 2 zucchini.   

  
So much to do and so little gets done...how is that possible?   

Let me count the ways.  

ps...We head out for vacation next week, which will be fabulous, but takes me away from home.  My comfort.  Away from the friends we want to spend time with. Away from our kitty.   Away from the list of projects that were waiting for summer to be completed.    

Happy Independence Day

Here's a FB post from our good friend James that expresses some pretty concrete feelings I share about the current state of entitlement in the US...and what that means for us today on this 4th of July.  


I learned the most about what it means to be an American during my time as an exchange student in Beijing. It was 1987, China was different then, but seeing how the freedoms I had always taken for granted were nowhere to be found in a Communist country was truly eye opening. And if that wasn't enough, the number of Chinese who would ask us to take them home to the US certainly was. We are in no way a perfect union. But once you realize just how free we are here, harsh and unrealistic criticisms become the foolish whining of the woefully ignorant.  Warts on our face and all - God bless the USA."

(The view from my front door)

~ Happy Independence Day ~ 

where we are truly the land of the free because of the most brave.

I wonder, as I wander...

while sitting at Caribou coffee (instead of grocery shopping like I should be) I wonder... 

what is it that makes a coffee shop so magical - how it is that simply walking thru the door can make all the chaos of your day simply fade away. Even if it's just for a moment.
  

while hitting the road for the third time today to deliver/pick up one of my children from some activity....I wonder how it is that a mom can be so willing to do and sacrifice so much.  And how can it be that it seems they appreciate so little.   

while sitting at my computer having a short FB message chat with an old friend, I wonder... how can I possibly answer his question "how's your heart?"  truthfully,  knowing I have so little time.   Right now, that kind of question would require hours over coffee...and he and his lovely wife and family live 20 hours away in Utah. I pray for the opportunity to sit over coffee (or beer) together with them someday soon. (in case you're wondering...I told him my heart is good.  But really my heart is weary and my head is filled with schedules and logistics and I wonder how I can possibly sustain this for the rest of the summer when I am already tired 6 days in?)

and I wonder, while praying for my son and his fellow "missionaries" serving the hungriest and homeless in our nations's capital (how can that be?? another blog post all it's own perhaps)...I wonder, how can I do right by him, help him understand what it means to truly follow Jesus, be like Jesus....when often times I look and act like *I* don't? 

I wonder about the power of friendships, the impact of relationships, why they are are so hard, require so much to foster and develop, how crummy of a job I do sometimes.  But I am trying.  I am grateful. 

And right now, as I sit here and edit and re-read, and tweak this post at 6:30pm on a Monday, I wonder, what on earth am I making for dinner?  That's the $100,000 question here in the Hinterland most days, esp in the summer when the mere thought of turning on the oven on a 90 degree day makes me break out in a sweat.   I wonder how we could work it to afford to just eat out most nights...or hire a cook? 

I wander.

I wonder.

And then I seem to wander some more. 

What do you wander and wonder about?  

in which I discover a new appreciation for everyday...

Sunset over the Gulf Coast ~ April 2012

I had a scare.  It involved words like cyst, mass, ultrasound(3 in all) and biopsy.  It kept me awake at at night and plagued my thoughts and kept me from sleep when I woke up earlier than necessary.   It cast a shadow over an amazing beach vacation with my family. It also made it so much more meaningful and intentional.   For 14 days, I heard too many references to cancer, death and young women leaving their families behind and thought they were speaking directly to me like a message in a crystal ball. I saw a truck that delivered oxygen products and wondered if I would need one of those someday.  I prayed, I cried, and I wondered how on earth I would ever communicate to my already most amazing husband and crazy awesome dad what it is I do as CCO (Chief Chaos Officer) for our family.  How could he truly know all the crazy details that make up my job as full-time wife and momma - how would he ever manage this beautiful crazy mess we're in all by himself? 


I wondered how my sweet young boy would fall asleep at night without our secret kiss....or how my girls would learn what it means to be women of faith without their momma...or how my oldest son would learn the ins and outs of what it means to take a girl out on a proper date.  I feared what losing me too soon could do to my husband's faith.  


As it turns out, the mass was nothing, at least nothing that wasn't supposed to be there at a certain time of the month. ahem.  I will go back for one more follow-up ultrasound in a month, just to be sure.  But as of now, all Drs. involved are certain we've got an all clear. All that worry and stress and fear for naught.  But was it?


So what now?  It means I am changing how I live. I know it sounds cliche, but it has.  I am no longer concerned about doing the things that I think other people think I should be doing, and trying to focus my energy on things that matter to me, my family and relationships and my faith.  


It means I am holding my husband's hand more even if we are just sitting on the couch or we stand in the kitchen hugging in the middle of making dinner.  It means I play hooky and re-schedule appointments to spend the day drinking Caribou coffee and garage-saleing with a friend.  It means making my own health and wellness a priority, eating more healthily, losing some weight and exercising more. It means spending money out-of-pocket to visit a chiropractor to help my body function better and heal itself.  It means pursuing God more faithfully.  It means saying no to things that don't have any lasting meaning and yes to everything that does.  It means more campfires, and ice cream and cheesecake and good steaks.  It means stepping out of my comfort zone.  Singing more, worrying less.  Smiling more, nagging less. It means getting my house in order, but comparing it to the pictures in magazines and blogs and pinterest less.    Letting go and hanging on for dear life all at the same time.


It means contentment and gratitude. everyday.  That's what it means.  And it's good.  


ps...pop on over to my husband's blog to see what all this has meant to him....he's amazing.